"so what are you looking for?"

i haven't written in three months.
i haven't written in three months because, well, not much has changed.
well, that's not even true. things have changed, but not so significantly that the earth is shifting. um, let's recap.

in march, my mom, aunt kelly, and cousins katy and emily visited me in chicago. it was great! we went to the field museum, the hancock tower, north michigan avenue shopping, and one of the very first performances of broadway-in-chicago mary poppins!


i have since come to affectionately call it "mary poopins," but of course i'm the only one who says this. my cousins and i did get a kick out of "bringing tappance back," which is a musical number we made up in the car. it was the first time i'd really seen them since my brother's weddings two and a half years ago. it was greatly, greatly overdue.
(if they read this, they will probably hate me for posting this picture. remember i love you two!


a few weeks later, clapham had its spring break, so i went to visit brian and lindsay. we had a great many adventures, including a star-crossed snowboarding session during my first day. brian tells this story best, but i'll sum up here:
see, i have this annoying habit of boarding just behind the people i'm with. brian turned his head to check on me at the wrong moment, and what would have been the easiest part of the easiest slope on the hill became him catching his board funnily and fell really hard. i didn't see it happen, but we ended up at the emergency room and poor guy's left arm was in a sling for the rest of the week.

we went to see watchmen, visited disneyland (DON'T BLAME ME FOR NOT HAVING PHOTOGRAPHS OF THIS. brian and lindsay are supposed to get them to me.), visited mary kate and saw her in her last USC musical, brigadoon.


i understand this picture gives almost zero context, but if you want more of mary kate, her blog is linked in the sidebar. we failed to take any photographs together (emkay, how could we have been so foolish?). but. whatever. she's awesome.

i do have some pictures of brian and i's afternoon in hollywood, which included lunch at made-famous-by-american-graffiti mel's diner:


where they happened to be filming some tv pilot! i don't recall the name of the show, but i think we were actually in the shot, and they kept telling us to be quiet on the set for half the meal. we also visited "ripley's believe it or not" around the corner, and well...


it looks like we're still related.

we also went to mann's chinese theater


and it looks like we're still related.


(brian took this shot. i asked him why–– he said, "someday you'll want a picture that says "nomads welcome." i've taken it to mean that i was welcome back on their couch any day.)



before i knew quite where march was going, it was april. claire and i were blessed when jessie, jenny, and david (all of us high school buddies) visited for easter. we cooked, biked, danced at rez's Easter vigil, and i even lured them into serving baked goods on easter morning. we also got no pictures of all of us (come on, guys), but had a blast.

as all my friends finished classes and took finals, i did my best to sort out what i was doing next. as it would turn out, my good friend and improv buddy alyssa (also in the sidebar) needed a roommate for the summer. i couldn't find any good reason to go home just yet, so i've moved out of my house with the funny polish landlady and into a small apartment with her. here we are at graduation:


oh! and i walked with my class at graduation on mother's day. mom has most of the pictures from this (send them...?). since then, it's been trying to find a new job (as the one at school ends with the summer) and settling into the new place with alyssa. friends have been around but slowly peel off as they begin their summer adventures.

i hate job hunting. my first post-collegiate job was gotten far too easily and has given me really unrealistic expectations for what getting another job would really be like: lots of resumés, time, noes, and no responses. it is exhausting: i'm someone who doesn't quite know how to market herself yet and has trouble believing in that marketability with every rejection. it is exhausting.

all my interviewers want to know, "well, what are you looking for?" long term? short term? hourly? part time? full time? i hate having to say that i don't know, having to explain that i'm booked here for at least the summer, but if i can find a job that i don't mind working that can support me, i'm happy to stay longer. it's complicated and frustrating at this point, but i think that's how it's going to be for awhile. i like that i have more time to figure things out.

so. that's what i've been up to. tell me your stories!

frustration nostalgia

i sit in the stupe, wheaton's on-campus grill-below-the-dining-hall (does every campus have this?), listening to sweet boys with beards and guitars play heady songs, and i am swept by nostalgia. i am on campus tonight to play improv, to listen to the talk-back on the theater's play, to watch the campus get slowly swallowed by the fallen rain that would seem familiar to the flood two and a half years ago, but only a fraction of that quantity is present.

in these moments, frequent these days, i find myself replaying the past in my mind. remembering who i was one, two, three years ago, and who i am not now. i suppose this is the natural state of growing up and older. bittersweetly.

days are frustrating. i leave for work in the morning, come back at noon, and usually spend the day doing nothing of consequence. as wonderful as naps are (very), i feel frustrated about where i am and how daunting everything seems. how far i have to go in my walk with Christ, how much i desire to feel direction and peace about my future (instead of waves of anxiety and apathy), how much i want to know more about relationships and how to be a good friend, how much i wonder if my past is descriptive of my future, how much how much how much, how how how.

lent started yesterday, and i'm still not sure what i'm giving up. i should pick up a positive behavior in place of a negative one, but even that choice seems daunting.

i'm fine, i am. these moments just catch me. i'm just going to be honest here about them, instead of every post singing the packaged phrases. much love to all, happy rainy-purple-belated-ash wednesday-lenten season too.

oh my february

(wreckage out the malony front door, photo credit mom)


(various spots around town the day of: photo credit the amorphous internet)

i first must send my condolences to residents of the mid-south who were hit by the ice storm a few weeks ago. my hometown of fayetteville was among those affected, and reports from my parents say that the town looks noticeably different, that they'll be no lack of firewood in the coming years, and we will be feeling the loss of the trees (and the effects of their falling) for years to come. thankfully, even though the power shut down at home for a few days, my parents were able to seek refuge with friends in tulsa and the house was undamaged.

secondly, i need to say a belated birthday to my mom and my grandmother suzanna (grandma suzie!)! happy birthday and much love to you both!
thirdly, happy valentine's day, lovers! i spent the day kicking around campus with girlfriends and making cupcakes. (thanks mom!)
fourthly, forgive me if i've forgotten anything. moving on!

work is just fine: the people in charge of me are kind, gracious, and honestly appreciative of the work i do. now, i'm not solving world hunger or ending poverty here, i'm just filing papers, entering data, running office supply errands, answering phones, and occasionally being another body in a classroom--no big deal. but, i'm slowly learning about charlotte mason and classical education, which i perceive as an interesting and good cause for the kids who attend. i'm finding i don't mind doing grunt work if i perceive the greater outcome to be good (this is a truth that i think i have known my whole life. it's also part of what i'm working through at the moment, but more on that later).

i'm spending most of my evenings at home or on campus, and i vastly prefer being on campus with people to being alone in my house. it is strange to be on campus. it IS odd:
-to not have homework (and therefore out from underneath the constant pressure of work)
-to not eat in the dining hall
-to not have a CPO box to check (or any of the other daily routines that went with campus life)
it gets progressively odder too:
-realize that, although the rest of my class isn't graduated yet, they WILL and regularly talk about leaving/life after. i had just adjusted to myself graduating––now everyone else is applying for things and making real plans and weirding me out.
-realize that, even though i've graduated, i still have to answer a lot of the questions about the future, my life, what i want out of it and what God could have up His sleeves for me. the hullaballoo of graduation eventually settles into "what next," regardless of when you graduate.

i'm really thankful that i have this semester as time to think things through, to talk to people who i respect and can help me, and do a test-run of post-collegiate living. i talked to a gal who's in wheaton in chicago this semester, and she mentioned how thankful she was to get away from wheaton's non-stop paced culture for some time to actually think about what she's learning (that's my paraphrase, anyways). wheaton is definitely not for the faint of heart or stamina, and it can be hard to think about the next stages of life when the nearer future is so mind-bogglingly full of pressure.

i'm thinking about starting a list in the sidebar. a list of things i think it would be cool to do before more solidly settling down, places i'd like to live, professions to have or pursue. making them so public is a scary idea because all of a sudden i'm accountable for my ideas. it might take me awhile to actually get them up, if at all.



thanks for reading, everyone. as weird as it is when someone tells me in real life that they read this, it means a lot to me and makes me want to write more. feedback=product=feedback, i suppose.

holidays, housing, job, car, faux-adult-life redux

Christmas and new year's in arkansas may be missing the weather typically called for during the season, but it is always home for me. i got to see family (matt and victoria visited from little rock for both Christmas and post-new year's celebrations), and friends new and old. namely, the five:

(spring 2005)

(winter 2006)

(winter 2008)


*(jenny, mary kate, me, claire, jessie). i am blessed to have these friends as close as we were 3, 4, 5+ years ago, and overjoyed that this picture has happened so many times. also, please note: i am wearing the same t-shirt and sweater in 2005 and 2008, and even though i'm not wearing them i still own the same glasses. in my defense, i gave the hand-knit hat away (which i now mildly regret: that was a good hat!). ahem.

as if that weren't enough, my folks blessed me with a graduation gift i would be years off from owning if left to my own devices: a 2008 scion xb.



it was a neck and neck race between the scion and a subaru forester, but the scion eked out a win with slightly better gas mileage and significantly higher marks for individuality (at least among my family). and who could forget that color! almost like our dearly departed periwinkle mystique, my beloved high school vehicle.


*but on we go! on january 8, i packed my car up with Christmas booty and drove back to the snowy state of illinois for my first stint at post-collegiate life. how has it gone?

i was able to nab a part-time job almost right away: interviewed on monday, started on wednesday. i'm an office assistant at the clapham school, a small Christian classical school that meets in a church near where i live. i do filing, answering phones, ushering kids to the bathroom, organizing spaces, basically a go-to gal for the already overworked administration team. i've only been to work once in the last week, as school was cancelled on thursday and friday for COLD (temperatures in the negative ten, teen, and twenties), and again today for a teacher's conference. thus far, it's been great. it doesn't pay all the bills but it's a good place to start while looking for something else.

in the meantime, i've been enjoying lots of time with friends. i've carted people from airports, to the city for comedy shows, and to and from various spots on campus in the bitter cold. my friends have recently gotten into cancelled tv series (dead like me, pushing daisies, firefly, and carnivale). i even got to see a bunch of friends in wheaton's production of gilbert and sullivan's patience, musical/opera i fondly watched my big brother in a few years back.

**i can't find you in there, b!

as i mentioned a few posts back, i'm staying in a house about a mile from campus. i'm one of six gals living here, all at various stages of life (early 30's ?- just starting school), and interestingness never seems to cease around here. either it's getting to know my housemates, all interesting to talk to in their own right, or learning where the communication gap begins and ends with my polish landlady, who comes over daily to tend the details of the place. i recently discovered that she may have thrown away a bag of my stuff on accident (both parties share blame in this: the bag was unlabeled and probably looked like trash; but at the same time: do you even chance throwing away stuff from where people [read: mildly disorganized college girls] are storing things without asking first?). i digress. i have a room of my own, a nice big bed, and i've even been able to hang up my own artwork in various places. it's a nice setup.

i must say, i'm doing a right classy job of avoiding long-term commitment. my rent is paid month-to-month, and i'm fairly certain i can still pack the majority of my things in the back of my car for the next adventure, and my only job (as of now) ends in the summertime unless i decide/want to stay and do it again in the fall. i'm trying my darndest to keep my eyes open for places to go and things to do when i can't allay the inevitable any more. as a friend of mine noted this weekend: "i love jesus. i'm trained in graphic design. i'm interested in social justice. i don't know how that plays out!" at the moment: it's january, and i have too much to take care of between then and now to worry too much. prayers, suggestions, and advice are welcome.

as everyone is wishing to our new president today, my prayers, best wishes, and highest expectations for my readers. praise God from whom all blessings flow!

*photo credit: mary kate
**photo credit: USC school of theater

a week and a day out (a collection of thoughts)

a friend of mine asked me recently what i want out of life, and i had no good answer for him at that moment. what dawned on me within the next day after much pondering was that i want a life full of stories where God comes through. i'm uncertain of precisely how cliché that is, but if i were to describe my last few days at wheaton that little phrase would pop up frequently.

my roommate, karen, and i happened to acquire a car the night before we needed one. karen was an amazing help and bright light while loading up and moving me out, and driving brilliantly through the insane weather that hit chicago that day. that weather held off just long enough for my plane to get home safely, even if it was a little late. i found out that my sister-in-law had been accepted to law school for next fall (CONGRATS!). you know what, i'm just going to chalk that whole day up to God being cool. i hope for many more days like that.

in the first few days of being home, i kept constructing really broken metaphors about what it's like to be graduated: none of them have stuck with me. to be honest, it does not feel real yet. i'm checking my grades online every day with bated breath to see if i passed everything. i still expect to go back to campus in a week and a half and buy textbooks and get lunch at saga and ask people how their breaks were, while at the same time it has been hard to remember that everyone else has another semester of work to do before they get the kind of time "off" i have. it's this strange middle ground of realization i'm living in.

as a highschooler or freshman, post-graduate life seems a million miles away. adulthood is something you leap into with both feet and once you're there there's no going back: a flip is switched and you're done with things you did when you were young. as a senior and now a post-graduate, i've realized the line is much thinner and the gap much smaller than what we all think. grown-up status is not achieved in one big ceremony (truth be told, marriage might be an exception to this, i just don't know), but something you wander into like a blind mouse.

there is so much i could say about the last semester. so much of it seems a blur now, but arkansas has that effect on things. i hope to keep thinking through the things i've been learning and keep on trying to love the people i've been loving, and maybe some more. this bears saying over and over again:
honestly, wheaton friends and fellow improvvers, you have made my life more beautifully complicated. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't be working so hard to find ways to pay rent in wheaton when i can get both free room and board in arkansas. so, you have that on your heads. you have been a bit of heaven on earth for me. thank you so much.

merry christmas, happy new year, may the Lord pour blessings on your head when the world seems bent on curses. stay tuned.

blur

oh hi it's been awhile hasn't it oh it doesn't feel like it at all no really i can't believe it well i mean how could you when the weeks have been as packed as they've been i've had books to read and papers to write and people to love and shows to see and housing to sort out oh did i mention i found a place to live i'll show you a picture when i get around to it you can see it pretty plainly on google earth yeah it's funny i'm not sure how i feel about it but whatever it's owned by this really nice polish lady who can't handle my name very well i mean so many different nationalities have trouble with it yeah more than you'd expect but anyway it's real nice and i'm thankful to have it sorted out i wanna have people over all the time or be with people at their places because i mean that's what i'm staying for right and augh i can't believe how many people i'm thankful to know and i feel bad because i hardly ever have time to tell them how thankful i am for them or even when i do usually end up fumbling around with silly words or hand gestures and it always gets worse when i haven't slept normally and that's been happening a lot lately so i've been running around giggling incessantly at people it's actually pretty fun in the snow but it's gotten warmer all of a sudden and what was snow is either ice or water and that's not very nice to walk around in but hey it beats the frigid air that i'm sure will come in january when everyone else goes back to class and i go to get a job doing something anything hey friend can you get me a job i don't even really care i just want something that will give me enough time to hang with people when they get outta class and maybe take people to the city to see improv shows or possibly take a class i don't know if i'll have time for that or finances or whatever it's hard to say at this point and there's so much that needs to happen between now and then that it's hardly even worth thinking about now so yeah i got some finals and a couple papers to write and then i need to pack and check out of my apartment and then i can fly home where i'll be happy to see my family and not worry about next semester's homework but from here on out it's gonna be a little different isn't it what with not being in saga every day and not even having chapel to feel guilty about missing and everyone else's life just goes on and stays generally the same oh life is so weird in these moments oh totally yeah me too i've got to read these books and say some things about them i guess yeah i know right just trying to get through but we'll talk soon okay because i really like you and am so glad we're friends good luck with your stuff aw thanks yes talk to you soon later.

breathe deep, believers.

the night is young, and you're so beautful. let's get everyone up to speed!

about two weeks ago, post script ambiguity hosted its second show. it was another hit! we focused a lot on sensory perception. we included games that wheaton improv has never played in a formal show before, such as "taster's choice" (where two createe a scene and are occasionally handed a cup of food, such as peanut butter, hot sauce, and flour, to inform them of the next direction the scene takes), and "head in a bucket" (aka "oxygen deprivation": three players create a scene, but one of the three players must have their head in a bucketful of water at all times, and all players rotate into the bucket at some point. no one dies). i was in the latter, but not the former! we were received warmly again by our amazing audience, and look forward greatly to our last show of the semester next week.

by the way, it bears mentioning that my dad will be coming to that show! i'm really excited for him to be able to see what i do and hopefully understand it a little better. as we have come to say in improv, "it's easier done than said." oh, but for more things in life to be this true!

musicians the decemberists came through wheaton a day before our improv show for a halloween spectacular. the band came dressed as characters from "the shining" (including two men dressed up as the creepy twins: the lead singer noted that they were "probably the fist time two men in drag have stood on the stage at wheaton college"–– which, i can tell you, is not true.) it's always a little funny (and rare) to have secular groups come through and play at our edman chapel, but so glad that they took full advantage of it and got permission to play the chapel's organ on a "dracula" theme. it was brilliant. i stood at the front of the crowd with a friend i made this summer who came in from the city for the show. had a great time, but sad that i came away with no pictures.

as my curious fascination with the passage of time persists, i find it notable that a year ago i was in new zealand, trying to get the most out of being abroad for the last time for awhile. this thanksgiving will be different for sure, but i know i'll be no less grateful to be home.

classes have reached a kind of calm before the storm, if you will. due dates will start dropping like flies in the last week and a half before thanksgiving, and so i'm going to try to use as much of my time as possible to be sure i hit those marks.

and, for the record, i'm a little less freaked out now than in my last post. well, let's be honest, it comes and goes. BUT. i'm confident, i'm job hunting, and i'm hoping for the best. all will be well.

thanks for your love and prayers.