looking backwards

as of this evening, i am done with the academics of junior year. in the quiet and guilt-free moments of no homework i find myself looking backwards about the semester, realizing that not everything significant that happened was said here. dare i try to recap? oh, let's.

somewhere in the midst of winter, i became relationally single again. as with all things that end, there is sadness and a wish for something greater, or just anything different. hindsight is twenty/twenty though, and with the more time that passes the more it feels like the right thing for us.

i applied for an internship with a magazine in orlando. now, if you've been around long, you know i have this thing for RELEVANT. i've been a fairly loyal reader for around a year or two and have thought that an internship there would just about make my day. so, i emailed my resume (which i built specifically for them--i didn't have one before that!) and application. a few days later, they asked to see some of my design work. I ran around like crazy trying to get things together. after i send the pieces in, i got feedback right away saying they liked one of my designs! sadly, i haven't heard anything since. it's really okay, i still have a lot to learn before i can have something to add to that conversation and i was probably up against people who were. i'm still constructing my portfolio, people!
again, hindsight is twenty/twenty: if i had gotten this internship, it would have thrown a wrench into some pretty longstanding plans (say, graduating in december for one?). it would have been cool, but the only way it could have made sense is if God reached down and opened some serious doors. because He didn't, i know where i'm not supposed to be and that is about as reassuring as knowing where to be.

for a few weeks, there were wild hypothetical plans about the spring break: about a two weeks before spring break, i had no plans for the nine days off. there was a tentative plan of visiting my friend in london for awhile, but a little schedule comparison told us she'd be busy with classes the majority of the time i had off. plan nixed! then, a crazy last minute plan formed within week before break to take advantage of a friend's unusable (to him... not to me!) plane tickets and visit australia. that plan was pretty unlikely for sure, but i get the sense if we had thought of it sooner, it might have happened.
at the end of the day, i went home to arkansas. it was good to spend the time with my parents and see whoever was around to see me. i was even able to earn a little money doing data entry for dad's office! go me (thanks, dad).

i started taking voice lessons on campus essentially after spring break. i had been meaning to turn in the paperwork for weeks, i just kept forgetting. when i finally did, i was given a teacher who handed me a syllabus and had me pick up my standard music books from when i took voice in high school. the whole experience of taking voice wasn't exactly everything i wanted: ie, i rediscovered that i'm not very good at sight-singing (STILL) and it's frustrating for me, i learned that i do not really care for italian arias and random english songs. maybe i'm just a good old rock and roller at heart? beats me. the positive things i do take away from it is an increased confidence in the sound i make when i sing. during my most frustrating sessions, my teacher was quick to reassure me: "do you like the sound of your voice?" "...sometimes.: "you should. it's a very pretty tone." she also says my "color" is interesting and pretty. after years of wondering if i could still make a sound people wanted to hear, i've found i can!

on a related note, i took this re-found confidence and applied it last week. i have a close friend (future roommate!) involved with the women's chorale who's been on me to audition since we were freshmen. i finally took her up on it and gave it a go. the director voiced my range, had me sing part of a prepared song, and sight-sing. everything but the sight-singing was great--but we both seemed pretty confident that i'd re-learn it and be better in a group. she accepted me to the choir on the spot. i was elated.

if you recall, i took a psychology of religion class this semester. it was great. i was offered an extra credit opportunity by the department to spend some time with a grad student learning to administer some basic personality tests and interviews. i was paired with a the lovely nicki, and we met only four times after spring break. our last meeting was this tuesdsay, and she gave me a beautifully prepared essay about myself. through the tests she proctored and self-reported tendencies, she did a really nice job picking up some basics about me and man, it's nice to have some of those things affirmed by something as silly as a test. for me, the best news said that i have, despite all witness to the opposite, a very high level of intellectual capacity. on the flip side, she reported that i have a processing speed that is not relative to my intellectual level.
all that is to say: welcome, everyone, to the frustrating sideshow that is my mind! you can think very well with abstract ideas, but you do so at your very own pace. that's only a step down from knowing the future but not being able to tell anyone about it.
nicki is very sweet and i hope we stay friends next year.

i do improvisational workshops. did you all know that? think "who's line is it, anyways?" but less cheap, short-form laughs. i've been playing in them since wheaton improv started offering them in the fall of 2006 (with the exception of last fall, of course!). i am the last of that class of workshoppers to leave workshops: everyone else had quit or been bumped into a troupe. it was a little sad. but! i am pleased as punch to say that i have at last been placed in a brand new troupe with six other workshoppers. this is kind of a big deal, as wheaton improv has a very rich history for a such a young club--it's only six years old and already filled with personality, disappointment, insecurities, great triumphs, restructuring, epic stories, and "africa" by toto. and only four other troupes in its entire history. our troupe, unnamed as of yet, is the very first troupe made completely of workshoppers who had never been "tested" in another troupe. we're all pretty new at this, but chomping at the bit to play together and perform for a crowd. if all of this reads like russian to you, let me sum it up: my picture will be on that wheaton improv website come the fall because i get to perform making up things in front of a crowd as part of a club. oh, and watch this.

those are some of the overarching themes of this semester that are too big to get talked about but too small to have a huge impact. i don't know how i'll come out academically, but this is probably my best and most hopeful semester here yet. i hope next semester, my last, lives up to my hopes. i know i'll at least be busy--but doing things i love.

looking back on this semester--taking it in. breathing. i suppose it's not all the way done yet: i still have to pack and fly home! but it feels too short, like i'll come back next week and grumble about classes some more and do my homework on my bed. i can't tell if that's the semester abroad talking, or if it really moved that fast.

life does not look the same for me as when i arrived back here.
little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
and i say, it's alright. it's alright.

i arrive home on friday.