Mom's Handwriting

This is also about my inability to throw anything with my name on it away.

I went through a couple of boxes full of holiday trinkets that i've been hauling from place to place since college. I found little heart poster board cutouts, a light–up pumpkin window decoration, a jump rope, silly putty, a string of heart–shaped lights, a black garland with shiny jack–o'–lantern accents, a small slinky. At one time, all these items were purchased by my mom, placed in a box along with a note and some candy, and mailed to my CPO box at Wheaton. CPO workers processed the box by writing me a precious PACK SLIP, and waited for me claim my parcel.

I loved it. I have a thing for delayed gratification, so sometimes I'd carry the Pack Slip around for a bit before redeeming it. Once I did, I'd take the box back to my room and wait for the end of the day to open it. If I had a great day, it was a reward; a bad one, a consolation prize. Sometimes a let a day or two pass before opening it just to have the unveiling to look forward to.

As fun as these little items were to play with, I hunted for the small note my mom left in the box. There was always a note. It usually wasn't anything too elaborate, just a seasonally appropriate greeting card with my name and "Love you," "See you soon!," maybe a happy face reminiscent of the illustrations she drew of our family when I was a baby.

I have all these cards tucked into a crevices I won't find until I decide I have too many ridiculous things.

While I was putting away Christmas decorations and going through boxes I've hauled from place to place, I found one. It was a square gift tag in Christmas colors, certainly from an item I've forgotten was a gift from my mother.



It hit me then that my mother knew this name would be mine before she knew who I was. It was a name crafted specifically for me and only me, and probably written on notepads in running lists of possible names for me, next to crossed out "Sarah" or "Jennifer" or whatever. She has been writing my name in her lovely handwriting longer than she's been able to speak its bearer.

And on whatever day it was that she signed that card with my name, just before she closed it, she put her little swashy heart on the bottom corner. It's not about the gift it was attached to, it's the care taken to remind me of my very first gift and that she loves me.

I stuck the card back into another crevice.

four years of birthday memories: a reflection

it is generally a mystery to me about whether this blog is for you or for me. this post is self-indulgent and i recognize that.

one month ago i spent my twenty-second birthday with alyssa, blade, josiah, charity, kevin, and nick. i had been priming my roll-top desk white, running errands, and helping alyssa put the finer touches on my burgercake, which came to her in a dream. days before, i had signed my first year-long lease, and was still making peace with the huge chunk of money no longer in my bank account. turning twenty-two with those friends around me, with a roommate who doesn't mind going the distance to create something as ridiculous (and delicious) as a burgercake, somehow has made me feel more grown up. i have friends, i have a place to call my own, i am going to a church i really like, i have a job to go to every day or so. while i'm still trying to figure out much about my future, i finally feel settled in the present.

a year and one month ago i was living in chicago. it had been an up-and-down summer: i love to be in the city, but my photography and drawing classes ended and i was lonely. i was doing round two of an internship with saatchi, but the character of the office had changed from round one. only a handful of people knew me, and i spent most days doing nothing but looking for images no one could really use. frankly, i hated it. for my birthday, my parents sent me a singing tin (not kidding: when the lid is removed from the tin it plays "happy birthday") of cookies and a little bouquet of flowers while i was dinking around at the office. i was overjoyed and shared a cookie with everyone i had learned the name of. i went out to dinner with a sorority sister of my mom's that night. we'd been reintroduced earlier in the year from our previous meeting when i was too young to speak or remember, and instantly warmed to each other. i ordered no alcohol, much to the confusion of both my host and my waiter. "you're turning twenty-one today! certainly you should get something." i just don't have a taste for it, i replied. i grew up around it, i have no stigmas about it, i just prefer water to the taste of wine. after dinner, i biked home, packed up a gift to mail to a friend in australia, and started to pack my own room. although it wasn't a birthday gift, it was my greatest joy to leave the apartment in the city for my hometown in arkansas.

two years and one month ago i was recovering from a cold in my fourth week of studies in sydney. in the two previous days i'd been laid up with a bum knee and a head cold that made me take whatever medicine my roommate brought and excessive naps on the living room couch. i don't get sick often , but the day before my birthday i believe i briefly passed out while trying to cross a room--one moment i was standing, the next i was on the floor and my arm hurt. most of my delirious and lethargic bouts passed on that day, by my birthday i was almost back to fully-functioning. my australian friend, who i would mail a package to a year later, made me a birthday cake. everyone who was home ate some with us, and our resident tuba-player burst in from the kitchen playing a big, brassy rendition of "happy birthday" while they sang. i remember wanting to smile bigger than my face, thankful for my new friends, for my recovering body, for bright colors and chocolate, for the tuba, for the comfort they all provided in my new temporary home.

three years and one month ago i spent the day in a car with my mom. i began sophomore year of college early, thanks to my involvement in the campus newspaper, the record. for some reason, they wanted the assistant layout editor to help with the freshmen orientation issue of the paper, set to come out when the freshmen arrived. so mom and i piled all my things into her car and set out north. to my memory mom and i had never made the trip together before, but we loved having all the time in the car to talk, to sleep, to sing, to fill me in on family events that aren't often spoken of, to muse of the coming year and all the things that might come of it. we reached wheaton in the evening, and decided to see little miss sunshine as a birthday gift. mom and i both loved it, and still think of each other and my birthday when we think of it.

four years and one month ago i turned eighteen, a pseudo-adult. i was in wisconsin, at honeyrock camp, on wheaton passage with fifty someodd other incoming wheaton college freshmen. the large camp was hosting multiple groups that week, and another organization had set balloons and colorful decorations on the tables in the dining hall for lunch. few knew me at that time, but someone orchestrated a birthday song for me, and while i'm certain i was a little embarrassed to have all the attention during the song, i looked at all the balloons and let myself believe for a moment that they were for me. even if they weren't by design, i took them as a sign that God loved me, and had arranged them Himself. i still believe this to be true.
my mother also had this foresight and decided my family should celebrate my birthday before i left for college. or, more accurately, before i left to become a freshman and my older brother brian left to be a junior in college. see, i was brian's second birthday gift, born on the same day two years apart. in our younger years this was a problem and we'd alternate who got to have his/her friends over on the actual day each year. as we aged and our friends and celebration styles changed, it was simply family tradition to celebrate us together. personally, i never minded. this year, there was cake, there were gifts, there were respective significant-others. brian would go on to marry his, while i would break up with mine less than a month later. i'm certain we watched a movie, i'm certain there was laughter and joy and smiles.
my best high school friends and then-boyfriend also saw my birthday absence coming. over our senior year, we'd started a tradition of celebrating each successive birthday in ridiculous, surprising, and thoughtful ways. i laugh while thinking of them now: nighttime canvassing a lawn with balloons secured with bags of sand, invading a home or car with hand-drawn, exuberant, and creepy signs of joy and love. frankly, we created a fun all our own during those plots of silliness in ways only teenage girls can. as the last to celebrate turning eighteen in our circle during a hectic time of planning and packing for us all, i remember worrying out loud to my boyfriend that i would be forgotten for sure. "i won't even be here for my birthday, i just wonder if anyone will remember." he remained stoic and reassuring. i felt selfish for wanting to be celebrated in such a way, but that quirky celebration of birthdays brought us together and solidified us as lifelong friends. i didn't want to be left out. despite my doubts, they remembered. i went out one evening with my boyfriend, giving my girlfriends plenty of time to create, decorate, and hang a dozen pieces of posterboard over the second story landing of my house. they hid behind it until we arrived home, all the while having faux-arguments about boy's and my ETA and giggling about things they'd drawn on the banner--all of them were explained to me when i arrived. "this is Bible-y! he's a mascot for the Bible!" "this is all five of us drawn as if we were characters from harry potter!" "this is a doodle i did because i was running out of things to draw!" i still own the piece and am thankful for those friends.

____
i wish i understood why i am enchanted with these yearly retrospects. i find myself playing them often, going backwards in my memory to draw some otherwise hidden conclusion about who i was, who i've become, or how i got here. there was a period last winter when i would tell myself the story of the last two years, over and over. as birthdays go, they are your own personal new year, time to reflect, make resolutions, drink celebration and smile with those you love.

as i write this, my good friend liz is about to celebrate her birthday surrounded by friends and and playing a ridiculous song. then, my biggest brother matt will have his birthday on the fifteenth. happy birthdays.

i'm sorry

the night bugs are singing.

everything keeps moving (an open letter to july)

dear july,
i'll be honest: i didn't expect much from you. june, while having fun moments and adventures of its own, was kind of a letdown in the ways of "figuring out what do with my life." see, i found myself out of a job in may. when school ends, so does the need for an assistant administrative staff member at clapham. i told myself that i needed to find a sustaining job here this summer or i'd go home to arkansas. june gave me only one really promising interview as a receptionist/admin assistant/marketing and event guru for a chiropractic office, while that one interview turned into a second interview that both went great, i didn't get the job. so, july, when you came around i almost gave up entirely.
i visited home twice between late june and early july, celebrating the our country's independence day in a part of the country that has firework tents every few miles and many yards outside city limits where a big BOOM is success (home in arkansas). i saw mom and dad and matt and victoria, went to an old friend's wedding, an old friend's organ recital, congratulated good friends on recent engagements, lit off a few bottlerockets, and decided that coming home to arkansas might not be the worst thing for me. it still wasn't my first choice, but i have a home and friends and family there.
but, july, you surprised me. there were a few job interviews in there, one of which has lead to a possible freelance marketing work. my assertiveness got me a coffeeshop job in wheaton. it'll pay rent if i can persuade my boss to give me enough hours and not change the schedule at the last minute. even though the search for consistent employment is still the hunt for red october or ahab's search for the white whale for both me and alyssa, but what we learned toward the end of july has given us both enough steam to keep paying rent and living.

so, thanks july. you came and went quickly, but i'll bet the activity you provided helped that quite a bit. could you tell august to keep it coming?
love,
meredith

speaking of rent, alyssa and i are moving out into a real apartment. real? you ask? yes. real. where we've been living is a small apartment over the garage of a main house. it's a nice-sized place, but compound two other roommates moving in and lack of proper kitchen, it was time for us to find something a little more stable. air conditioning and full kitchen don't hurt. we signed our lease this week and wrote very grown-up checks saying goodbye to big chunks of our savings, but here's hoping we earn it back. of course, we signed our lease in our new kitchen while i'm wearing a hand-me-down trogdor sweatshirt thinking:


pretty much.

the short version here is: i work in a coffeeshop. my manager is a little crazy, but you deal. i'm working on a freelancing gig, which is great because, well, you know, i'd like to do that for a portion of my life. if now's the time, it's the time. alyssa and i live well together, and we're moving out into a place with a KITCHEN. i turn 22 on wednesday, and there's gonna be a weird cake involved. i'm not going to promise to write here, because the idea of writing here is exhausting. but i'll do my best: the site is due for its yearly facelift and i'll be taking a web design class in the fall. yippee!

much love.

three fun ways to totally wear oneself out in a weekend

whew. thank goodness for sunday nights. this one finds me a little battered an sore, but not for lack of fun getting there.

on friday, i took my bike to the city on the metra (semi-illegally: the taste of chicago started this weekend and the trains aren't supposed to let on bikes to make room for all the people) to participate in my favorite chicago activity: chicago's critical mass. free, fun, outdoors, community-supported exploring. (for those of you new here, check out a little video i made documenting last may 2008's ride.) we biked for about three hours at a slow but steady 10-15mph pace. we went up and around that town! i met up with some old friends and made new ones, and ended up on lake michigan's beach trying to photograph friends as they jumped in the water. i didn't realize how sore i was until i got back on my bike to get home. ouch. i wasn't up all night with sore legs, which has definitely happened before.

on saturday, i set up a birthday party for my roomie alyssa. i've never been in charge of a party before, so there was a lot of self-confidence boosting, and proof that God will always keep me humble about the plans I make: we planned an outdoor-patio-evening turned into it-rained-so-let's-move-to-the-basement. everyone had a great time and the rain let up enough for late-night sparklers.

my improv friends take part in something we call "free love," which is an opportunity for players of all development levels––workshoppers to alumni–– to come together and just play. this summer, free love happens on sundays after lunchtime. we meet not far from my house and i usually just walk. today i decided to take the longboard i inherited when i helped move a friend out at the end of the year. while i've putzed around on it enough to be comfortable, today was the first time i tried to use it to actually get somewhere. today that somewhere just happened to be down a slightly moderate hill. on my way down this hill, i encountered a phenomenon known as "speed wobble," in which the rider of a steerable object (such as a longboard) over-corrects a small steering flaw which makes the rider over-correct that flaw until the rider is wobbling back and forth until she finally loses control. i encountered an early stage of the wobble and tried to bail, but i was going too fast and my feet couldn't keep up with the velocity of my body. CRASH. i hit the pavement and somehow skidded to a halt near some improvisers i was trying to "look cool" in front of. hah. my friend kevin ran to pick up my board after seeing me get up while everyone double checked to see if i was okay. i don't know how i got out of it with so few scrapes and bumps, as my ankles got the worst of the scrapes (honestly, who scrapes their ankles when they fall?, and my right wrist, hip, and shoulder are a little sore. i was up and walking almost instantly after falling.

point of interest: i'm not sure if i have a really great adrenaline system in my body (and my big brother chemist can tell me that falling doesn't have much to do with adrenaline), or if it's growing up with boys, or sheer mental stubbornness that lets me get up pretty quickly when i fall. i just do. today's little spill made me think of when i tried to jump a curb while on a bike ride last year. i didn't make it, and ended up landing pretty hard on my side (and the sweetest bruise developed on the inside of my arm a few days later), i got up very quickly and as soon as i had my bearings i was back on my bike, peddling with everybody else. i don't know. i just find it curious.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


could folks be in prayer for me this week? i have a second interview at a chiropractor in wheaton for an office assistant/marketing position, and i would love to get it. i imagine that competition is pretty steep, and i seem to be in the midst of a confidence slump. so. prayers around 9:30 am on tuesday would be great.
also! congrats to my biggest bro and sis-in-law on the purchase of their first house! i hope i get to help paint a wall sometime.

much love to all: may God remind you of his faithfulness as He reminds me to be humble.

"the economy" in light of Jubilee

i recently participated in a Bible study covering Ruth and the idea of a kinsman redeemer. the crux of the study connects the ruth-boaz relationship with humanity-Jesus, but not without a stop over in Leviticus 25 to talk about Jubilee.

this is the part where i need to tell you (again) that i am neither a proper theologian nor anything that would make my perspecitve more than just an opinion. considering it said, let's move forward.

Jubilee is, for the uninformed, an Old Testament festival based on sabbatical observances. put it simply, every fiftieth year the whole economic world would turn upside down: any land you've bought must be returned to the original owners or their heirs, and every person who's had to rent himself out as an indentured servant must be released. things you've bought and had use for are now to be given back. o'course, the Bible makes sure that you don't cheat your brother: when it's close to Jubilee-time things get a little cheaper like a going-out-of-business sale.

the theological reasons for this practice are debated, as all things theological are, but it's generally accepted that the land was important to the Israelites because God gave it to them. i'm sure it also was a reminder that they are more like tenants on the land, because God is the one who really owns it. personally, i think of it as a lesson that economics are designed to wax and wane and adjust, but God and His authority do not. i also love that Jubilee comes once every fifty years. now, i'm admittedly not yet 22, an adolescent at the time of millennium, a moment in time prepackaged for looking simultaneously backwards and forwards. i'm pretty sure that i can't fully comprehend 50 years.

i still think there's value in this fifty-year-switcheroo. in fifty years, the provisions that once made the way for businesses to flourish are now ruts and crutches needed to limp along. institutions are clearly not paying attention to history to think themselves immortal: the world changes so quickly in our age. it should only make sense that at some point God, like a game of boggle, picks up the whole game and shakes.

i'm not saying that the tough times we're going through was a direct act of God, nor am i saying that i really get what has caused "the economy" to be the way it is. i am amazed at the Lord for laying down such specific rules about what happens during Jubilee and how it can be planned for and expected: i'm sure that if modern citizens planned on chaos every fifty years or so, we'd be in a much better place right now.

all that is to say: the only thing eternal is the Lord. not your bank, not your insurance, not your president, or even your democracy. when things go awry, blow your horn. dance. laugh. shout hymns at stoplights (or whatever outlet you so choose).

The Lord reigns. It is Jubilee.

"so what are you looking for?"

i haven't written in three months.
i haven't written in three months because, well, not much has changed.
well, that's not even true. things have changed, but not so significantly that the earth is shifting. um, let's recap.

in march, my mom, aunt kelly, and cousins katy and emily visited me in chicago. it was great! we went to the field museum, the hancock tower, north michigan avenue shopping, and one of the very first performances of broadway-in-chicago mary poppins!


i have since come to affectionately call it "mary poopins," but of course i'm the only one who says this. my cousins and i did get a kick out of "bringing tappance back," which is a musical number we made up in the car. it was the first time i'd really seen them since my brother's weddings two and a half years ago. it was greatly, greatly overdue.
(if they read this, they will probably hate me for posting this picture. remember i love you two!


a few weeks later, clapham had its spring break, so i went to visit brian and lindsay. we had a great many adventures, including a star-crossed snowboarding session during my first day. brian tells this story best, but i'll sum up here:
see, i have this annoying habit of boarding just behind the people i'm with. brian turned his head to check on me at the wrong moment, and what would have been the easiest part of the easiest slope on the hill became him catching his board funnily and fell really hard. i didn't see it happen, but we ended up at the emergency room and poor guy's left arm was in a sling for the rest of the week.

we went to see watchmen, visited disneyland (DON'T BLAME ME FOR NOT HAVING PHOTOGRAPHS OF THIS. brian and lindsay are supposed to get them to me.), visited mary kate and saw her in her last USC musical, brigadoon.


i understand this picture gives almost zero context, but if you want more of mary kate, her blog is linked in the sidebar. we failed to take any photographs together (emkay, how could we have been so foolish?). but. whatever. she's awesome.

i do have some pictures of brian and i's afternoon in hollywood, which included lunch at made-famous-by-american-graffiti mel's diner:


where they happened to be filming some tv pilot! i don't recall the name of the show, but i think we were actually in the shot, and they kept telling us to be quiet on the set for half the meal. we also visited "ripley's believe it or not" around the corner, and well...


it looks like we're still related.

we also went to mann's chinese theater


and it looks like we're still related.


(brian took this shot. i asked him why–– he said, "someday you'll want a picture that says "nomads welcome." i've taken it to mean that i was welcome back on their couch any day.)



before i knew quite where march was going, it was april. claire and i were blessed when jessie, jenny, and david (all of us high school buddies) visited for easter. we cooked, biked, danced at rez's Easter vigil, and i even lured them into serving baked goods on easter morning. we also got no pictures of all of us (come on, guys), but had a blast.

as all my friends finished classes and took finals, i did my best to sort out what i was doing next. as it would turn out, my good friend and improv buddy alyssa (also in the sidebar) needed a roommate for the summer. i couldn't find any good reason to go home just yet, so i've moved out of my house with the funny polish landlady and into a small apartment with her. here we are at graduation:


oh! and i walked with my class at graduation on mother's day. mom has most of the pictures from this (send them...?). since then, it's been trying to find a new job (as the one at school ends with the summer) and settling into the new place with alyssa. friends have been around but slowly peel off as they begin their summer adventures.

i hate job hunting. my first post-collegiate job was gotten far too easily and has given me really unrealistic expectations for what getting another job would really be like: lots of resumés, time, noes, and no responses. it is exhausting: i'm someone who doesn't quite know how to market herself yet and has trouble believing in that marketability with every rejection. it is exhausting.

all my interviewers want to know, "well, what are you looking for?" long term? short term? hourly? part time? full time? i hate having to say that i don't know, having to explain that i'm booked here for at least the summer, but if i can find a job that i don't mind working that can support me, i'm happy to stay longer. it's complicated and frustrating at this point, but i think that's how it's going to be for awhile. i like that i have more time to figure things out.

so. that's what i've been up to. tell me your stories!

frustration nostalgia

i sit in the stupe, wheaton's on-campus grill-below-the-dining-hall (does every campus have this?), listening to sweet boys with beards and guitars play heady songs, and i am swept by nostalgia. i am on campus tonight to play improv, to listen to the talk-back on the theater's play, to watch the campus get slowly swallowed by the fallen rain that would seem familiar to the flood two and a half years ago, but only a fraction of that quantity is present.

in these moments, frequent these days, i find myself replaying the past in my mind. remembering who i was one, two, three years ago, and who i am not now. i suppose this is the natural state of growing up and older. bittersweetly.

days are frustrating. i leave for work in the morning, come back at noon, and usually spend the day doing nothing of consequence. as wonderful as naps are (very), i feel frustrated about where i am and how daunting everything seems. how far i have to go in my walk with Christ, how much i desire to feel direction and peace about my future (instead of waves of anxiety and apathy), how much i want to know more about relationships and how to be a good friend, how much i wonder if my past is descriptive of my future, how much how much how much, how how how.

lent started yesterday, and i'm still not sure what i'm giving up. i should pick up a positive behavior in place of a negative one, but even that choice seems daunting.

i'm fine, i am. these moments just catch me. i'm just going to be honest here about them, instead of every post singing the packaged phrases. much love to all, happy rainy-purple-belated-ash wednesday-lenten season too.

oh my february

(wreckage out the malony front door, photo credit mom)


(various spots around town the day of: photo credit the amorphous internet)

i first must send my condolences to residents of the mid-south who were hit by the ice storm a few weeks ago. my hometown of fayetteville was among those affected, and reports from my parents say that the town looks noticeably different, that they'll be no lack of firewood in the coming years, and we will be feeling the loss of the trees (and the effects of their falling) for years to come. thankfully, even though the power shut down at home for a few days, my parents were able to seek refuge with friends in tulsa and the house was undamaged.

secondly, i need to say a belated birthday to my mom and my grandmother suzanna (grandma suzie!)! happy birthday and much love to you both!
thirdly, happy valentine's day, lovers! i spent the day kicking around campus with girlfriends and making cupcakes. (thanks mom!)
fourthly, forgive me if i've forgotten anything. moving on!

work is just fine: the people in charge of me are kind, gracious, and honestly appreciative of the work i do. now, i'm not solving world hunger or ending poverty here, i'm just filing papers, entering data, running office supply errands, answering phones, and occasionally being another body in a classroom--no big deal. but, i'm slowly learning about charlotte mason and classical education, which i perceive as an interesting and good cause for the kids who attend. i'm finding i don't mind doing grunt work if i perceive the greater outcome to be good (this is a truth that i think i have known my whole life. it's also part of what i'm working through at the moment, but more on that later).

i'm spending most of my evenings at home or on campus, and i vastly prefer being on campus with people to being alone in my house. it is strange to be on campus. it IS odd:
-to not have homework (and therefore out from underneath the constant pressure of work)
-to not eat in the dining hall
-to not have a CPO box to check (or any of the other daily routines that went with campus life)
it gets progressively odder too:
-realize that, although the rest of my class isn't graduated yet, they WILL and regularly talk about leaving/life after. i had just adjusted to myself graduating––now everyone else is applying for things and making real plans and weirding me out.
-realize that, even though i've graduated, i still have to answer a lot of the questions about the future, my life, what i want out of it and what God could have up His sleeves for me. the hullaballoo of graduation eventually settles into "what next," regardless of when you graduate.

i'm really thankful that i have this semester as time to think things through, to talk to people who i respect and can help me, and do a test-run of post-collegiate living. i talked to a gal who's in wheaton in chicago this semester, and she mentioned how thankful she was to get away from wheaton's non-stop paced culture for some time to actually think about what she's learning (that's my paraphrase, anyways). wheaton is definitely not for the faint of heart or stamina, and it can be hard to think about the next stages of life when the nearer future is so mind-bogglingly full of pressure.

i'm thinking about starting a list in the sidebar. a list of things i think it would be cool to do before more solidly settling down, places i'd like to live, professions to have or pursue. making them so public is a scary idea because all of a sudden i'm accountable for my ideas. it might take me awhile to actually get them up, if at all.



thanks for reading, everyone. as weird as it is when someone tells me in real life that they read this, it means a lot to me and makes me want to write more. feedback=product=feedback, i suppose.

holidays, housing, job, car, faux-adult-life redux

Christmas and new year's in arkansas may be missing the weather typically called for during the season, but it is always home for me. i got to see family (matt and victoria visited from little rock for both Christmas and post-new year's celebrations), and friends new and old. namely, the five:

(spring 2005)

(winter 2006)

(winter 2008)


*(jenny, mary kate, me, claire, jessie). i am blessed to have these friends as close as we were 3, 4, 5+ years ago, and overjoyed that this picture has happened so many times. also, please note: i am wearing the same t-shirt and sweater in 2005 and 2008, and even though i'm not wearing them i still own the same glasses. in my defense, i gave the hand-knit hat away (which i now mildly regret: that was a good hat!). ahem.

as if that weren't enough, my folks blessed me with a graduation gift i would be years off from owning if left to my own devices: a 2008 scion xb.



it was a neck and neck race between the scion and a subaru forester, but the scion eked out a win with slightly better gas mileage and significantly higher marks for individuality (at least among my family). and who could forget that color! almost like our dearly departed periwinkle mystique, my beloved high school vehicle.


*but on we go! on january 8, i packed my car up with Christmas booty and drove back to the snowy state of illinois for my first stint at post-collegiate life. how has it gone?

i was able to nab a part-time job almost right away: interviewed on monday, started on wednesday. i'm an office assistant at the clapham school, a small Christian classical school that meets in a church near where i live. i do filing, answering phones, ushering kids to the bathroom, organizing spaces, basically a go-to gal for the already overworked administration team. i've only been to work once in the last week, as school was cancelled on thursday and friday for COLD (temperatures in the negative ten, teen, and twenties), and again today for a teacher's conference. thus far, it's been great. it doesn't pay all the bills but it's a good place to start while looking for something else.

in the meantime, i've been enjoying lots of time with friends. i've carted people from airports, to the city for comedy shows, and to and from various spots on campus in the bitter cold. my friends have recently gotten into cancelled tv series (dead like me, pushing daisies, firefly, and carnivale). i even got to see a bunch of friends in wheaton's production of gilbert and sullivan's patience, musical/opera i fondly watched my big brother in a few years back.

**i can't find you in there, b!

as i mentioned a few posts back, i'm staying in a house about a mile from campus. i'm one of six gals living here, all at various stages of life (early 30's ?- just starting school), and interestingness never seems to cease around here. either it's getting to know my housemates, all interesting to talk to in their own right, or learning where the communication gap begins and ends with my polish landlady, who comes over daily to tend the details of the place. i recently discovered that she may have thrown away a bag of my stuff on accident (both parties share blame in this: the bag was unlabeled and probably looked like trash; but at the same time: do you even chance throwing away stuff from where people [read: mildly disorganized college girls] are storing things without asking first?). i digress. i have a room of my own, a nice big bed, and i've even been able to hang up my own artwork in various places. it's a nice setup.

i must say, i'm doing a right classy job of avoiding long-term commitment. my rent is paid month-to-month, and i'm fairly certain i can still pack the majority of my things in the back of my car for the next adventure, and my only job (as of now) ends in the summertime unless i decide/want to stay and do it again in the fall. i'm trying my darndest to keep my eyes open for places to go and things to do when i can't allay the inevitable any more. as a friend of mine noted this weekend: "i love jesus. i'm trained in graphic design. i'm interested in social justice. i don't know how that plays out!" at the moment: it's january, and i have too much to take care of between then and now to worry too much. prayers, suggestions, and advice are welcome.

as everyone is wishing to our new president today, my prayers, best wishes, and highest expectations for my readers. praise God from whom all blessings flow!

*photo credit: mary kate
**photo credit: USC school of theater

a week and a day out (a collection of thoughts)

a friend of mine asked me recently what i want out of life, and i had no good answer for him at that moment. what dawned on me within the next day after much pondering was that i want a life full of stories where God comes through. i'm uncertain of precisely how cliché that is, but if i were to describe my last few days at wheaton that little phrase would pop up frequently.

my roommate, karen, and i happened to acquire a car the night before we needed one. karen was an amazing help and bright light while loading up and moving me out, and driving brilliantly through the insane weather that hit chicago that day. that weather held off just long enough for my plane to get home safely, even if it was a little late. i found out that my sister-in-law had been accepted to law school for next fall (CONGRATS!). you know what, i'm just going to chalk that whole day up to God being cool. i hope for many more days like that.

in the first few days of being home, i kept constructing really broken metaphors about what it's like to be graduated: none of them have stuck with me. to be honest, it does not feel real yet. i'm checking my grades online every day with bated breath to see if i passed everything. i still expect to go back to campus in a week and a half and buy textbooks and get lunch at saga and ask people how their breaks were, while at the same time it has been hard to remember that everyone else has another semester of work to do before they get the kind of time "off" i have. it's this strange middle ground of realization i'm living in.

as a highschooler or freshman, post-graduate life seems a million miles away. adulthood is something you leap into with both feet and once you're there there's no going back: a flip is switched and you're done with things you did when you were young. as a senior and now a post-graduate, i've realized the line is much thinner and the gap much smaller than what we all think. grown-up status is not achieved in one big ceremony (truth be told, marriage might be an exception to this, i just don't know), but something you wander into like a blind mouse.

there is so much i could say about the last semester. so much of it seems a blur now, but arkansas has that effect on things. i hope to keep thinking through the things i've been learning and keep on trying to love the people i've been loving, and maybe some more. this bears saying over and over again:
honestly, wheaton friends and fellow improvvers, you have made my life more beautifully complicated. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't be working so hard to find ways to pay rent in wheaton when i can get both free room and board in arkansas. so, you have that on your heads. you have been a bit of heaven on earth for me. thank you so much.

merry christmas, happy new year, may the Lord pour blessings on your head when the world seems bent on curses. stay tuned.

blur

oh hi it's been awhile hasn't it oh it doesn't feel like it at all no really i can't believe it well i mean how could you when the weeks have been as packed as they've been i've had books to read and papers to write and people to love and shows to see and housing to sort out oh did i mention i found a place to live i'll show you a picture when i get around to it you can see it pretty plainly on google earth yeah it's funny i'm not sure how i feel about it but whatever it's owned by this really nice polish lady who can't handle my name very well i mean so many different nationalities have trouble with it yeah more than you'd expect but anyway it's real nice and i'm thankful to have it sorted out i wanna have people over all the time or be with people at their places because i mean that's what i'm staying for right and augh i can't believe how many people i'm thankful to know and i feel bad because i hardly ever have time to tell them how thankful i am for them or even when i do usually end up fumbling around with silly words or hand gestures and it always gets worse when i haven't slept normally and that's been happening a lot lately so i've been running around giggling incessantly at people it's actually pretty fun in the snow but it's gotten warmer all of a sudden and what was snow is either ice or water and that's not very nice to walk around in but hey it beats the frigid air that i'm sure will come in january when everyone else goes back to class and i go to get a job doing something anything hey friend can you get me a job i don't even really care i just want something that will give me enough time to hang with people when they get outta class and maybe take people to the city to see improv shows or possibly take a class i don't know if i'll have time for that or finances or whatever it's hard to say at this point and there's so much that needs to happen between now and then that it's hardly even worth thinking about now so yeah i got some finals and a couple papers to write and then i need to pack and check out of my apartment and then i can fly home where i'll be happy to see my family and not worry about next semester's homework but from here on out it's gonna be a little different isn't it what with not being in saga every day and not even having chapel to feel guilty about missing and everyone else's life just goes on and stays generally the same oh life is so weird in these moments oh totally yeah me too i've got to read these books and say some things about them i guess yeah i know right just trying to get through but we'll talk soon okay because i really like you and am so glad we're friends good luck with your stuff aw thanks yes talk to you soon later.

breathe deep, believers.

the night is young, and you're so beautful. let's get everyone up to speed!

about two weeks ago, post script ambiguity hosted its second show. it was another hit! we focused a lot on sensory perception. we included games that wheaton improv has never played in a formal show before, such as "taster's choice" (where two createe a scene and are occasionally handed a cup of food, such as peanut butter, hot sauce, and flour, to inform them of the next direction the scene takes), and "head in a bucket" (aka "oxygen deprivation": three players create a scene, but one of the three players must have their head in a bucketful of water at all times, and all players rotate into the bucket at some point. no one dies). i was in the latter, but not the former! we were received warmly again by our amazing audience, and look forward greatly to our last show of the semester next week.

by the way, it bears mentioning that my dad will be coming to that show! i'm really excited for him to be able to see what i do and hopefully understand it a little better. as we have come to say in improv, "it's easier done than said." oh, but for more things in life to be this true!

musicians the decemberists came through wheaton a day before our improv show for a halloween spectacular. the band came dressed as characters from "the shining" (including two men dressed up as the creepy twins: the lead singer noted that they were "probably the fist time two men in drag have stood on the stage at wheaton college"–– which, i can tell you, is not true.) it's always a little funny (and rare) to have secular groups come through and play at our edman chapel, but so glad that they took full advantage of it and got permission to play the chapel's organ on a "dracula" theme. it was brilliant. i stood at the front of the crowd with a friend i made this summer who came in from the city for the show. had a great time, but sad that i came away with no pictures.

as my curious fascination with the passage of time persists, i find it notable that a year ago i was in new zealand, trying to get the most out of being abroad for the last time for awhile. this thanksgiving will be different for sure, but i know i'll be no less grateful to be home.

classes have reached a kind of calm before the storm, if you will. due dates will start dropping like flies in the last week and a half before thanksgiving, and so i'm going to try to use as much of my time as possible to be sure i hit those marks.

and, for the record, i'm a little less freaked out now than in my last post. well, let's be honest, it comes and goes. BUT. i'm confident, i'm job hunting, and i'm hoping for the best. all will be well.

thanks for your love and prayers.

hey, everyone? can i just be honest right now?

um. yeah. let's just get this out there.

i'm terrified.

yep. terrified. i'd put it in all caps if only it didn't sound/look like sarcasm, and i'm far too serious about this to even pretend that sarcasm or a joke. but i'm serious. i'm scared.

this weekend/monday/tuesday has been fall break, which gives poor wheaton students a little time to collect themselves and take a break from breakneck classes. it also marks the halfway point for fall semester. for most of us, it doesn't mean much. there is still a lot of time and steady pace to keep for the rest of the year. for me, it's halfway to where the sidewalk ends.

all that fell on me recently, causing a lot of stress and a few tears. i sort of hate to admit it, but i'm a planner. i've been told that i wasn't always that way, but have become so over the past few years. i don't know how true that is, but either way i know i'm not much for surprises and generally feel a little helter-skelter without at least an idea what i should be doing. i've learned, thought through, and talked a lot of theory of what life should look like over the last few years, and the challenge of maintaining those ideas and theories while still having a place to sleep can appear pretty daunting.

all that is to say, this last month or two is going to be extra-everything. prayers and unconditional support are welcome, if not completely necessary.

much love to all.

absentee ballot, a haircut, and squirrels

i received my absentee ballot this week, and can i just say my heart started beating fast when i opened it today? weirdest thing. it did. my first election, guys! this is a big deal for me. my state has been republican for the last thirty years (except when clinton ran), so who knows what my vote will actually amount to. BUT. look at this cute little pencil they sent in the envelope (just as i started thinking "what do i fill this out with?"--are they READING MY MIND?!)!

(a dime is presented for perspective.)

for those keeping track at home: if my hair seems shorter, it's because it actually is. i, after days of hemming and hawing about my awkward growing layers of hair, took a scissor to it myself in the bathroom. it is all part of the master plan of growing it out, i promise! all to say, i feel very proud that it turned out so well.

although the weather seems to be suffering an identity crisis, the trees and squirrels are not. in our backyard at home, we have two shrubs i know by the name of "firebushes" because of the way the leaves turn from green to red in top-down sequence during the cooling days. the whole campus has been hit by this changing. what a glorious way for summer to end, no? the squirrels have to be among my favorite things to watch: they are out in force burying things, digging up things, misleading each other, daring to do things that needn't be dared in the summer months. they are hilarious in their resolve.

first show, among other things

post script ambiguity's first show was last night, and we were a HIT, if i may be so bold to say. we packed out our smallish venue to standing room only, despite the large choral concert going simultaneously that drew away many friends who would have otherwise attended. our host commented several times that we had a great connection with our audience, and i loved playing for them. after spending weeks performing for only one or two people (who are mostly watching to correct), it's SOO GOOD to get the energy from a larger audience and to hear them laugh. all in all, i got to play a male cheerleader, host a party where neo, a spokesperson for marco's polos, and someone who jumped when they heard the word "and" were all in attendance, a small child who santa had done very wrong, and disown a friend with a gas problem. we had so much FUN.

this week has been a full one-- jumping through my hoops makes life busy. i've done a little bit of design work where i can, like this poster for RA applications i think is pretty cool.


no word on the australia job, and i don't really think i have much chance of actually nabbing it. the good news is that i have some folks here in wheaton who might be liking a roommate come january... BUT WE'LL GET TO THE FINE PRINT OF THAT LATER.

i am, however, very very jealous of my family who have seen each other recently. hopefully i'll get some folks up here to see a show in november! blessings to all.

hey! heylookit! it's me!

i would be so flattered if you pushed this link. you'll see my pretty face!

and this is my troupe, Post Script Ambiguity! LOVE LOVE LOVE.

homecoming weekend

hi! let's do the obvious thing and have a little breakdown of what's been going on recently.

academics
my three classes are going well. this is the time of the semester where things start to kick into gear, the end of what freshmen call the "honeymoon phase." in my communication criticism class, we have been asked to select a "communication artifact" to analyze. i've picked a series of south park episodes called "imaginationland." it'll be rough, it'll be challenging, but it'll be fun and possibly destroy a part of my soul. ON TO THE NEXT! my media class is rocking my world, the way i use technology/media, and even how i see symbols and everyday life. these new ideas are foiled perfectly by writing for media. it's been fun.

extracarricular (basically, improv)
hey, remember that one time i said i was doing improv and had been selected to play on a new troupe? WELL! after months of deliberation, we have named ourselves "post script ambiguity." what does it mean? why did we choose it? you'll just have to come see us play! we practice about four hours a week, and have recently been clicking along pretty well. our first show is next friday, october 10. if you're in the area, come see us! also-- checkout the WheatonIMPROV website and look for my picture and bio under "players." i'd be much obliged.
i'll be performing in a sketch show for the class of '83 with four of my fellow improvvers this weekend, and a couple of guys will be working from a sketch i wrote!
improv has been great to and for me. i can't begin to say how thankful i am for the people, the affirmation, the challenges, the community i seem to have fallen into. i look forward to performing with them.

i've helped my friend anna put on a study abroad meeting by making some posters for her and being available for questions during the meeting. i miss australia a bit, which leads to...

i'm applying for a job with the study abroad program in australia. it's scary, but i've got to start somewhere.

life, in general
man. i'm a crazy awesome mess. from time to time i get weirded out by things, especially since a cold front has struck in the last two days. i constantly have to remind myself that no, i am not a junior, yes, things happened during freshman year which was not a year ago... i'm in a perpetual time warp. semesters abroad will do that to you! but, i'm loving it. i need to take more time to commemorate the passage of each day, something i regret about september and hope to reinstate for october. preemptive nostalgia is not helped by all the alumni wandering around with BABIES and such.

i've started to attend an anglican church called Church of the Resurrection, which is really different from my upbringing and kind of a new thing on the whole for me. i could write a really long passage (probably a dissertation) why i've started to go there, but i'll spare you. i just find it odd to look back on my church experience over the past few years-- when i left for college, liturgy of any kind made my heart queasy. by sophomore year i attended an orthodox easter (pascha) service, and after flirting with non-denominational all last spring, i'm starting to actually like the liturgy a little.

and with that, i leave you-- gotta go work on a sketch show and then analyze "imaginationland"'s plot structure. i hope all of you are well.

oh...it's september

if you've been around long, you might notice that i am constantly amazed by the passage of time as marked by a season's change. i know. i've been on this planet long enough and should probably be done with the childlike wonder, but i'm totally hooked.

so...it's september. fancy that. i've been in blissful ignorance of that fact for the last week due to beautiful weather and general frolicking that comes with extra-long weekends and shortened weeks. but, today, right on target, it begins to rain and get cold and has hardly let up. i'm wearing a jacket, a first for the season. but it's just september, let's not talk about daylight savings time ending and winter happening. let's not talk about it, okay?

be in prayer this week for wheatonites. some receive undue amounts of tragedy--and of course there is never a good time for that.

and that's all.

epic transportation fail

today, i was supposed to make a complicated trip to see an australian friend who happens to be visiting the US. suffice to say, i didn't make it. let's break down the segments of this trip that needed to happen:
1. take a train from wheaton into the city.
2. catch another train from the city to a southern suburb.
3. get picked up by a friend and drive 2.5 hours to final destination.

okay, perhaps its not all that complicated. but when you factor in train schedules and the distances between train stations--it becomes more so. SO. here's what really happened.

i show up on time for my first train, but it is running late. very late. the train that was supposed to come before it hasn't come yet. but a few friends of mine are in the station, so we chat and guess where the train could be. a middle-aged woman passes us and mentions that there is a hostage situation at a bank around the station before ours, so the trains are held up. a hostage situation?! WHAT?
one of our little group offers to drive us all into the city after we decided it was not worth waiting on the train. so we pile into his van and head out to brave chicago traffic. there is still hope that i can reach the second leg of my trip upon arrival to the city.

we get downtown amidst five o'clock, friday night, downtown TRAFFIC. it takes us a complete turn around the loop to figure out where the my train station even is. in the middle of this navigating, i get a call from my roommate who updates me on the hostage thing a bit, and says she heard there might be problems with the southbound train lines. she was right: all the southbound trains were delayed. in the station, the PA system seemed to be saying that trains were starting to move again, but i could not gauge how far behind they were or if it was worth it to stay or not. i am an hour and a half behind schedule, so i call my would-be ride and last leg of the journey and tell her to go on without me. give our friend a hug and a kiss and an apology.

i ended up spending the evening with my ride and his friend from home. we had a great time that never would have happened otherwise. i think that's the first time ever a plan has gone that horribly wrong circumstantially, and what bizarre (and tragic) circumstances! the heck!
i'm going to go out on a limb and say this: my plans have this funny way of just getting messed up. (particularly if there are trains involved). on this particular trip, i did everything right. i packed up perfectly, i got cash before i left, turned off my computer, was on time for the train, yada yada yada. and the TRAINS mess up. other times, the error is mine and the plan goes to pot. my plans just have this nice way of not working.