a week and a day out (a collection of thoughts)

a friend of mine asked me recently what i want out of life, and i had no good answer for him at that moment. what dawned on me within the next day after much pondering was that i want a life full of stories where God comes through. i'm uncertain of precisely how cliché that is, but if i were to describe my last few days at wheaton that little phrase would pop up frequently.

my roommate, karen, and i happened to acquire a car the night before we needed one. karen was an amazing help and bright light while loading up and moving me out, and driving brilliantly through the insane weather that hit chicago that day. that weather held off just long enough for my plane to get home safely, even if it was a little late. i found out that my sister-in-law had been accepted to law school for next fall (CONGRATS!). you know what, i'm just going to chalk that whole day up to God being cool. i hope for many more days like that.

in the first few days of being home, i kept constructing really broken metaphors about what it's like to be graduated: none of them have stuck with me. to be honest, it does not feel real yet. i'm checking my grades online every day with bated breath to see if i passed everything. i still expect to go back to campus in a week and a half and buy textbooks and get lunch at saga and ask people how their breaks were, while at the same time it has been hard to remember that everyone else has another semester of work to do before they get the kind of time "off" i have. it's this strange middle ground of realization i'm living in.

as a highschooler or freshman, post-graduate life seems a million miles away. adulthood is something you leap into with both feet and once you're there there's no going back: a flip is switched and you're done with things you did when you were young. as a senior and now a post-graduate, i've realized the line is much thinner and the gap much smaller than what we all think. grown-up status is not achieved in one big ceremony (truth be told, marriage might be an exception to this, i just don't know), but something you wander into like a blind mouse.

there is so much i could say about the last semester. so much of it seems a blur now, but arkansas has that effect on things. i hope to keep thinking through the things i've been learning and keep on trying to love the people i've been loving, and maybe some more. this bears saying over and over again:
honestly, wheaton friends and fellow improvvers, you have made my life more beautifully complicated. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't be working so hard to find ways to pay rent in wheaton when i can get both free room and board in arkansas. so, you have that on your heads. you have been a bit of heaven on earth for me. thank you so much.

merry christmas, happy new year, may the Lord pour blessings on your head when the world seems bent on curses. stay tuned.

blur

oh hi it's been awhile hasn't it oh it doesn't feel like it at all no really i can't believe it well i mean how could you when the weeks have been as packed as they've been i've had books to read and papers to write and people to love and shows to see and housing to sort out oh did i mention i found a place to live i'll show you a picture when i get around to it you can see it pretty plainly on google earth yeah it's funny i'm not sure how i feel about it but whatever it's owned by this really nice polish lady who can't handle my name very well i mean so many different nationalities have trouble with it yeah more than you'd expect but anyway it's real nice and i'm thankful to have it sorted out i wanna have people over all the time or be with people at their places because i mean that's what i'm staying for right and augh i can't believe how many people i'm thankful to know and i feel bad because i hardly ever have time to tell them how thankful i am for them or even when i do usually end up fumbling around with silly words or hand gestures and it always gets worse when i haven't slept normally and that's been happening a lot lately so i've been running around giggling incessantly at people it's actually pretty fun in the snow but it's gotten warmer all of a sudden and what was snow is either ice or water and that's not very nice to walk around in but hey it beats the frigid air that i'm sure will come in january when everyone else goes back to class and i go to get a job doing something anything hey friend can you get me a job i don't even really care i just want something that will give me enough time to hang with people when they get outta class and maybe take people to the city to see improv shows or possibly take a class i don't know if i'll have time for that or finances or whatever it's hard to say at this point and there's so much that needs to happen between now and then that it's hardly even worth thinking about now so yeah i got some finals and a couple papers to write and then i need to pack and check out of my apartment and then i can fly home where i'll be happy to see my family and not worry about next semester's homework but from here on out it's gonna be a little different isn't it what with not being in saga every day and not even having chapel to feel guilty about missing and everyone else's life just goes on and stays generally the same oh life is so weird in these moments oh totally yeah me too i've got to read these books and say some things about them i guess yeah i know right just trying to get through but we'll talk soon okay because i really like you and am so glad we're friends good luck with your stuff aw thanks yes talk to you soon later.