frustration nostalgia

i sit in the stupe, wheaton's on-campus grill-below-the-dining-hall (does every campus have this?), listening to sweet boys with beards and guitars play heady songs, and i am swept by nostalgia. i am on campus tonight to play improv, to listen to the talk-back on the theater's play, to watch the campus get slowly swallowed by the fallen rain that would seem familiar to the flood two and a half years ago, but only a fraction of that quantity is present.

in these moments, frequent these days, i find myself replaying the past in my mind. remembering who i was one, two, three years ago, and who i am not now. i suppose this is the natural state of growing up and older. bittersweetly.

days are frustrating. i leave for work in the morning, come back at noon, and usually spend the day doing nothing of consequence. as wonderful as naps are (very), i feel frustrated about where i am and how daunting everything seems. how far i have to go in my walk with Christ, how much i desire to feel direction and peace about my future (instead of waves of anxiety and apathy), how much i want to know more about relationships and how to be a good friend, how much i wonder if my past is descriptive of my future, how much how much how much, how how how.

lent started yesterday, and i'm still not sure what i'm giving up. i should pick up a positive behavior in place of a negative one, but even that choice seems daunting.

i'm fine, i am. these moments just catch me. i'm just going to be honest here about them, instead of every post singing the packaged phrases. much love to all, happy rainy-purple-belated-ash wednesday-lenten season too.