looking backwards

as of this evening, i am done with the academics of junior year. in the quiet and guilt-free moments of no homework i find myself looking backwards about the semester, realizing that not everything significant that happened was said here. dare i try to recap? oh, let's.

somewhere in the midst of winter, i became relationally single again. as with all things that end, there is sadness and a wish for something greater, or just anything different. hindsight is twenty/twenty though, and with the more time that passes the more it feels like the right thing for us.

i applied for an internship with a magazine in orlando. now, if you've been around long, you know i have this thing for RELEVANT. i've been a fairly loyal reader for around a year or two and have thought that an internship there would just about make my day. so, i emailed my resume (which i built specifically for them--i didn't have one before that!) and application. a few days later, they asked to see some of my design work. I ran around like crazy trying to get things together. after i send the pieces in, i got feedback right away saying they liked one of my designs! sadly, i haven't heard anything since. it's really okay, i still have a lot to learn before i can have something to add to that conversation and i was probably up against people who were. i'm still constructing my portfolio, people!
again, hindsight is twenty/twenty: if i had gotten this internship, it would have thrown a wrench into some pretty longstanding plans (say, graduating in december for one?). it would have been cool, but the only way it could have made sense is if God reached down and opened some serious doors. because He didn't, i know where i'm not supposed to be and that is about as reassuring as knowing where to be.

for a few weeks, there were wild hypothetical plans about the spring break: about a two weeks before spring break, i had no plans for the nine days off. there was a tentative plan of visiting my friend in london for awhile, but a little schedule comparison told us she'd be busy with classes the majority of the time i had off. plan nixed! then, a crazy last minute plan formed within week before break to take advantage of a friend's unusable (to him... not to me!) plane tickets and visit australia. that plan was pretty unlikely for sure, but i get the sense if we had thought of it sooner, it might have happened.
at the end of the day, i went home to arkansas. it was good to spend the time with my parents and see whoever was around to see me. i was even able to earn a little money doing data entry for dad's office! go me (thanks, dad).

i started taking voice lessons on campus essentially after spring break. i had been meaning to turn in the paperwork for weeks, i just kept forgetting. when i finally did, i was given a teacher who handed me a syllabus and had me pick up my standard music books from when i took voice in high school. the whole experience of taking voice wasn't exactly everything i wanted: ie, i rediscovered that i'm not very good at sight-singing (STILL) and it's frustrating for me, i learned that i do not really care for italian arias and random english songs. maybe i'm just a good old rock and roller at heart? beats me. the positive things i do take away from it is an increased confidence in the sound i make when i sing. during my most frustrating sessions, my teacher was quick to reassure me: "do you like the sound of your voice?" "...sometimes.: "you should. it's a very pretty tone." she also says my "color" is interesting and pretty. after years of wondering if i could still make a sound people wanted to hear, i've found i can!

on a related note, i took this re-found confidence and applied it last week. i have a close friend (future roommate!) involved with the women's chorale who's been on me to audition since we were freshmen. i finally took her up on it and gave it a go. the director voiced my range, had me sing part of a prepared song, and sight-sing. everything but the sight-singing was great--but we both seemed pretty confident that i'd re-learn it and be better in a group. she accepted me to the choir on the spot. i was elated.

if you recall, i took a psychology of religion class this semester. it was great. i was offered an extra credit opportunity by the department to spend some time with a grad student learning to administer some basic personality tests and interviews. i was paired with a the lovely nicki, and we met only four times after spring break. our last meeting was this tuesdsay, and she gave me a beautifully prepared essay about myself. through the tests she proctored and self-reported tendencies, she did a really nice job picking up some basics about me and man, it's nice to have some of those things affirmed by something as silly as a test. for me, the best news said that i have, despite all witness to the opposite, a very high level of intellectual capacity. on the flip side, she reported that i have a processing speed that is not relative to my intellectual level.
all that is to say: welcome, everyone, to the frustrating sideshow that is my mind! you can think very well with abstract ideas, but you do so at your very own pace. that's only a step down from knowing the future but not being able to tell anyone about it.
nicki is very sweet and i hope we stay friends next year.

i do improvisational workshops. did you all know that? think "who's line is it, anyways?" but less cheap, short-form laughs. i've been playing in them since wheaton improv started offering them in the fall of 2006 (with the exception of last fall, of course!). i am the last of that class of workshoppers to leave workshops: everyone else had quit or been bumped into a troupe. it was a little sad. but! i am pleased as punch to say that i have at last been placed in a brand new troupe with six other workshoppers. this is kind of a big deal, as wheaton improv has a very rich history for a such a young club--it's only six years old and already filled with personality, disappointment, insecurities, great triumphs, restructuring, epic stories, and "africa" by toto. and only four other troupes in its entire history. our troupe, unnamed as of yet, is the very first troupe made completely of workshoppers who had never been "tested" in another troupe. we're all pretty new at this, but chomping at the bit to play together and perform for a crowd. if all of this reads like russian to you, let me sum it up: my picture will be on that wheaton improv website come the fall because i get to perform making up things in front of a crowd as part of a club. oh, and watch this.

those are some of the overarching themes of this semester that are too big to get talked about but too small to have a huge impact. i don't know how i'll come out academically, but this is probably my best and most hopeful semester here yet. i hope next semester, my last, lives up to my hopes. i know i'll at least be busy--but doing things i love.

looking back on this semester--taking it in. breathing. i suppose it's not all the way done yet: i still have to pack and fly home! but it feels too short, like i'll come back next week and grumble about classes some more and do my homework on my bed. i can't tell if that's the semester abroad talking, or if it really moved that fast.

life does not look the same for me as when i arrived back here.
little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
and i say, it's alright. it's alright.

i arrive home on friday.

it was just getting too nice, wasn't it?

well, well, well. even though we are a few days from may, this still happened:



that's it. breaking a nigh-on two-and-a-half-week stretch of amazing weather, we actually had about twenty minutes of very chunky snow this morning. after revealing this fact to someone who was in class during this time, he responded with, "oh, it snowed a little awhile ago? that's like throwing up a little in your mouth. if it were a blizzard, it's like, 'okay, it's a blizzard. that's what it is.' but with 'oh, it snowed a little a while ago' there's no satisfaction." yep. actual conversation had at lunch.

so, last week of classes. the weather makes it feel like mid-march all over again, so instead of an exclamation point at the end of that sentence it feels more like a question mark. really? this is it?

allergies, end-of-year cabin fever, AND pulling out the heavy jacket from where i tucked it away are in full swing. it's gonna be a fun week!

oh! the apartment!

the apartment is a very nice two-bedroom, two-bath setup in the south loop--about three blocks from columbia's main buildings. the building itself is nice and, although some mention was made of other columbia students in the building, but is mostly quiet families and couples. sweet.

the apartment currently houses three columbia students, all girls my age. two of the girls are moving out, and i am replacing one of them. i haven't met my other roommate yet, but the going sentiment is that everyone is "totally laid-back and easygoing." seeing as i am too, i think it'll work out okay between us. if there will be a third roommate remains to be known.

the gal i'm replacing had the secondary room, which is a very nice size and has its own bathroom across the hall. the other two girls shared the master room and bathroom. again, not sure how that's going to pan out, but--there you are.

i look forward to moving and settling in and finding creative ways to live simply and cheaply there. i'll be making use of local second-hand shops, i'm sure, and maybe even getting creative if i have time. i won't promise pictures.

summah (round two)

here's what happens in my brains when i start making plans. ready? go.

i process things through writing them out. so, when i wrote down my last post, i started realizing a few things. there were housing issues in chicago i hadn't thought about before, some fairly good reasons to be in arkansas that hadn't previously occurred to me. what am i doing? i thought. so, i talked to dad, and started to create some hypothetical plans that put me at home. in the last few weeks, i've been trying to play out these two scenarios with a foot in each camp.
push "fast forward" on the whole ordeal, and i've got a moot application at the processing the u of a, an apartment in the south loop i've visited and accepted, and a frustrating back-and-forth relationship with every department at columbia.

yep. so, after a few weeks of thinking about changing plans, my plans have remained the same. um, why did i think i needed to post this? oh. that's right:

while i was downtown yesterday visiting the apartment, i walked around columbia's buildings to try and get some class situation ironed out. i'd never intentionally been there before, and had no idea who to talk to or where to go. after asking some security guards (i even charmed smiles out of both of them!) and people behind various desks about the right place to be, i found my way to the right department where i received me a very informative (and hopefully useful) sheet of paper.

and as i walked, i realized that i was scared of being there.

i'm not all that certain i'm really cut out for doing what i'm studying to do. my confidence fluctuates with my audience. columbia is an arts school, exclusively. in my mind, it's a tough audience. my insecurity feeds itself with silly, as-of-yet unsubstantiated assumptions about people at the campus knowing their stuff and an animalistic sixth sense for fear and insecurity. i know that these things aren't necessarily true, but i can't get myself to believe it just yet. i'm still scared of what my peers will think of the naive Christian liberal-arts girl when she doesn't perform to standard. or doesn't always get the joke. or asks the stupid questions. or... catch my drift? after spending a few years where Christian community and standards of value are generally accepted, i'm comfortable and out of shape with the rigors of defending lifestyle and faith. i'm nervous.

people i love have a good way of helping me remembering a few facts: i am there to learn, that i am often my own worst critic, and i have just as much right to be there as anybody else. doing what scares you most is probably the most interesting choice to make, and interesting choices make for full, fun, interesting, rich, hard, and fruitful lives. i get the chance to look at the sky and say, "okay, God. it's all you. i'm hands and feet now. help."

so. that's where i stand on this whole thing. scared. but hopeful and full of faith.

this week is the last week of classes, and then finals week: i only have three, but they're all on wednesday. prayers are welcome and thankfully received. love to all.

summah summah summah (promised post out-of-sequence)

that's right. summer plans. well. maybe i should be less vague. i'll lay out all the known plans from here until december (because that's as far as i got).

this summer, i'll be in chicago taking some summer courses at columbia college in chicago. (not to be confused with columbia university in new york.) to finish my minor in graphic design, i need just two more classes, and it makes sense to do them this summer instead of next fall. graphic design faculty within the wheaton art department have been flighty--honestly, it's like the wheaton version of hogwarts' "defense against the dark arts" professors. this move also makes sense regarding my credit needs to graduate on time*. i'm looking forward to doing some good work with people who know what they're doing when i really have some time and energy to put into it, instead of trying to juggle three other classes plus intense design work.

when i'm not in class, i intend to be back at saatchi and saatchi x internship. they've been asking about me coming back since i left, which i'm still incredibly flattered by. since i won't be there full-time, i won't be monetarily compensated and i've come to a place of being okay with that. another summer with the ssx crowd is fun and heck, saatchi for two summers in a row is not a bad thing to have on a résumé.

i'm still in the process of understanding where i'm living, exactly what classes i'm taking, or how it's all going to work out. i've been having some trouble with columbia's administration departments (no one can tell me when i register or if i am eligible for housing...(okay, it seriously took a week and 8 emails for one department to send me a housing contract. that's not good, people. this isn't rocket science, this is a school. figure it out.)). i'll be visiting them soon to have someone help me out face to face!

recently i've started to question if there's something better i could be doing with the summer. columbia's a great school, but it's not the only arts and design program around. i love chicago, but i know less and less people who'll be around to play with me. saatchi's a great opportunity to hone skills, but it's charted territory, so to speak. i sort of wonder if there are people i could be connecting with either at home or who knows where that could be pushing the edges of my map farther out (sticking with the "charted territory" metaphor!). i find most rest in this plan when i remember that this summer is not last summer, i'll be working with not only ssx people, but columbia students as well. eek! i am actually a little nervous about the whole thing. but i am excited, so i suppose it all equals itself out.

*i hope this doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, but on-time graduation for me is december, 2008. yep, a semester early. if you couple a healthy amount of credits from high school AP classes with a vigilant crackdown on gen eds and making every hour count (even in australia!), and you get your classes done very quickly. i've almost always known graduating early was possible, but wasn't sure about it until a few months ago. when i got back from australia, i realized that wheaton does a lot of things well, but it just isn't equipped to teach what i'm interested in. there's just not much use in me sticking around. so, i've applied for my degree, gotten everything checked out, and i'm good to go for december 2008.

where do i go from there? beats me. back to [another] school? some time off? try to get a job? embark on another grand adventure across the globe?

and yes. it scares the living daylights out of me. the strangest fact is that i get more and more comfortable with it as it draws nearer. i'd assume that's a bell-shaped curve and i'll start flipping out again in another four months, but in the meantime, it's alright.

i am hungry for adventure, though. there is too much work to be done in the world to sit still for long.

the computer saga

from january to march, i wept over my poor broken laptop. the circa 2005 ibook g4 had its logic board replaced three times, and still didn't work. thanks to the insurance plan we purchased with it, repairs and replacements didn't cost a thing. when the support team at apple heard what i'd gone through, they decided to grant me a full computer replacement. apple is obligated to give me the same or better from what i had, but they don't really make ibooks anymore. so they upgraded me! all i had to do was send in the old to receive the new. just before spring break, i packed my lappy in a box and bid it adieu. some people have pets, some people have actual children, i have my computer. it was a sad day.



a week later my new computer was waiting for me.



a shiny, clean, new, and billion times more powerful macbook. (of course, it's still in the packaging here).



ever since then, i've been a computing madperson. i've been chatting with international friends (who can see my face for the first time in months!), writing papers wherever and whenever i want, and tweaking my interface to my sheer joy. it's a great machine and i couldn't be happier with it. i shall always remember my first little lappy, though, and hope it's in a better place now.

and that, ladies and gents, is the story of a computer: your first promised post.

look who decided to show up!

sorry it's been awhile, fans. a busy few weeks coupled with only the handful of good news here and there means very little posting from me.

i hope to write the following blogs as soon as time allows:
-new computer!
-hanging out with dad!
-summertime opportunities!
-spring break laziness!
-cleaning out the cobwebs of my mind (you know you're excited about this one)!

and i'm sure more will follow. on the upswing, some good news:

it would seem that with the arrival of april brought with it spring. we had snow on Good Friday and again the following week, but this week we have experienced the unthinkable: a thunderstorm. it has been safe to leave buildings with a medium-weight jacket for the last couple days, and people have been breaking out shorts and flip-flops. not en masse, mind you: we come out slowly like the bunnies skittering across campus, but there they are nonetheless. i might even venture to say that the grass (gasp! wheaton has grass? the place isn't constantly covered in snow and eugh?) is starting to look a bit greeny and there are even sprouts of flowers coming up from the ground. it is almost a solid month behind my arkansan counterparts, but better late than never.

april also brings the last solid month of school for wheatonites. our finals week begins on may 5th and ends on the 8th. april can be just as hard as the winter months sometimes, with no days off (february and march had heaps of them, thanks to the administration's understanding that we will become miserable if we don't calm down a little in february, spring break, and easter) and lots of things due, plus the ever dwindling time to be with friends while the outside is hospitable.

this time with friends takes on a new weight with me as i realize i only have another month, then next semester to be with them. it figures that i would have to leave just after feeling like i'd settled in. isn't that just life?

life looks a little different for me than it did a few months ago. but i'll tell you about that later. happy spring, loves! i wish i was there or you here. or both of us in sydney with two green public transportation passes and nothing do to.

ps: i have a new literary pet peeve. take note.
loose and lose are different words. if you loose something, you un-tighten it. shoelaces, muscles, and change are loose. if you lose something, you've misplaced it or cannot re-attain it. friends, keys, and places in line can be lost.
but these are just loose definitions, and well, you might lose my point.