summah (round two)

here's what happens in my brains when i start making plans. ready? go.

i process things through writing them out. so, when i wrote down my last post, i started realizing a few things. there were housing issues in chicago i hadn't thought about before, some fairly good reasons to be in arkansas that hadn't previously occurred to me. what am i doing? i thought. so, i talked to dad, and started to create some hypothetical plans that put me at home. in the last few weeks, i've been trying to play out these two scenarios with a foot in each camp.
push "fast forward" on the whole ordeal, and i've got a moot application at the processing the u of a, an apartment in the south loop i've visited and accepted, and a frustrating back-and-forth relationship with every department at columbia.

yep. so, after a few weeks of thinking about changing plans, my plans have remained the same. um, why did i think i needed to post this? oh. that's right:

while i was downtown yesterday visiting the apartment, i walked around columbia's buildings to try and get some class situation ironed out. i'd never intentionally been there before, and had no idea who to talk to or where to go. after asking some security guards (i even charmed smiles out of both of them!) and people behind various desks about the right place to be, i found my way to the right department where i received me a very informative (and hopefully useful) sheet of paper.

and as i walked, i realized that i was scared of being there.

i'm not all that certain i'm really cut out for doing what i'm studying to do. my confidence fluctuates with my audience. columbia is an arts school, exclusively. in my mind, it's a tough audience. my insecurity feeds itself with silly, as-of-yet unsubstantiated assumptions about people at the campus knowing their stuff and an animalistic sixth sense for fear and insecurity. i know that these things aren't necessarily true, but i can't get myself to believe it just yet. i'm still scared of what my peers will think of the naive Christian liberal-arts girl when she doesn't perform to standard. or doesn't always get the joke. or asks the stupid questions. or... catch my drift? after spending a few years where Christian community and standards of value are generally accepted, i'm comfortable and out of shape with the rigors of defending lifestyle and faith. i'm nervous.

people i love have a good way of helping me remembering a few facts: i am there to learn, that i am often my own worst critic, and i have just as much right to be there as anybody else. doing what scares you most is probably the most interesting choice to make, and interesting choices make for full, fun, interesting, rich, hard, and fruitful lives. i get the chance to look at the sky and say, "okay, God. it's all you. i'm hands and feet now. help."

so. that's where i stand on this whole thing. scared. but hopeful and full of faith.

this week is the last week of classes, and then finals week: i only have three, but they're all on wednesday. prayers are welcome and thankfully received. love to all.